Nobody gives you the Sasquatch warning!
Posted on 19. Jan, 2010 by Deb Plunkett in Beauty (or lack thereof)
I have a bone to pick with the “What to Expect” gal.
In a book that purports to be THE resource for all things pregnancy and childbirth related, where is the chapter that explains that this glorious, life-changing experience will turn you into a pizza-faced, grizzly looking sideshow freak??? Oh sure, I was well-informed about the chances of acquiring unsightly stretch marks, less perky knockers, a slightly looser tummy; I was even somewhat prepared for impending hair loss. I had no misconceptions about bounding out of the hospital bed into my pre-pregnancy jeans. I was reminded repeatedly about the “nine months on, nine months off” rule.
I was not, however, in any way prepared for the day I would be reading Pat the Bunny and my cheerful chirp of the phrase “Judy can feel daddy’s scratchy face” would be met with a tiny hand tenderly brushing MY cheek. Ok, surely she doesn’t think mommy also has a scratchy face, does she? I can do a pretty good job of convincing myself that no one else is noticing my slow transition into a werewolf – but nothing like the innocence of a child to bring about a swift reality check! It can’t truly be that bad, can it? Ugh.
I am on constant surveillance for new sprouts. I know exactly where their favorite places to hang out are and I watch them closely. My weapons are always handy and I’m not afraid to use them. I’ve strategically placed tweezers everywhere, including the car – because there’s nothing better than natural sunlight to really bring the bearded lady into focus! Just when I think I have the situation under control, out of nowhere a giant black sprig emerges in what seems like a split second… and I’m talking about bristles so thick and strong, it can take some serious muscle to uproot them. What the heck? Why?
So not only do we have to spend nine months stretching our body into ridiculousness, only to never again know it as the beautiful thing it once was (which, by the way, was so under-appreciated pre-morph, it’s just shameful)… but facial hair? Really? That’s just plain unfair. Yes, it truly is a miracle and a blessing to create a new life and no, I didn’t expect to come through the process completely unchanged. But maybe a little heads-up on the fact that I’d soon be grooming my pelt would’ve been nice, you know?
Come on, any other Sasquatch mommies feel like outing themselves? Got some tips for how you keep the beast at bay?
Nobody gives you the Sasquatch warning!Share
Rachael Duffy
19. Jan, 2010
Not that I have a choice but to comment
Loosing my hair after my first pregnancy, the nurse suggested Rogaine…. well, it didn’t help regrowth on my head, just on my face-GREAT, just what I needed!!! Now mind you, I was not hair free from the get go-but NOW- ugh.
Andy Ptacek
22. Jan, 2010
L-O-L! Deb- this is priceless. In fact, just the other day I was tweezing and thought to myself, “What if I was in some terrible car accident and was in a coma in the hospital and everyone got to see the fast progression of my unibrow and, well, you know.” I got to thinking I should have someone be my tweezer buddy, but it CAN’T be my husband. Will you sneak in late at night and tweeze me if I’m ever end up in a coma??? xoxoxo