PooGrin | Work at home mom blog – WAHM blog

Guilty as Charged

Posted on 22. Nov, 2009 by CharShaff in Guilt

All moms feel guilt when they choose to work and raise a child. But my latest guilty moment came at 2:45 a.m. this past Tuesday. Jake had just gone in for his 2-month doctor’s visit and had his shots. I was warned he may get achey or have a fever from the vaccines. The doctor also said that because he is more than 13 pounds now, we could let him skip his 2:30 a.m. feeding and cry it out so he could sleep longer through the night. I was elated to have a few more hours to sleep, but knew the first few nights of watching him cry and rustle around in his crib may be tough until he learned to sleep through it. My mother-in-law had come up from Tucson to help out for the week and I worried she’d hear him crying in the bedroom next door.

At 2:45 a.m. I heard him start to whimper on our video monitor. I rolled over in bed and watched him as he squirmed around and started to cry. “Be strong” I kept telling myself. The minutes started to tick by…15 minutes of him crying and rolling his head to the side to see if I would be there at the crib side to scoop him up.  I laid there and watched him cry…the lights on the monitor going from a green to yellow to bright red to signify a loud cry/noise in the nursery. It broke my heart to see him cry, but I knew if I didn’t get him, he’d eventually fall back asleep. Well, he continued to cry. And cry. It was coming on an hour now and I had even turned off the volume and just watched him, hoping that if I didn’t hear him, it would make it easier. Why wasn’t he falling back to sleep? Should I give up and go and nurse him? No, I can’t give in. He will “cry it out” as the doctor said and I must be strong. Well, about 15 minutes later, as he was still crying, I all of a sudden noticed a hand reach down and start to rub and pat him. He stopped crying. I turned on the volume and heard my mother-in-law shushing him and comforting him. He just kept looking up at her and didn’t make a peep. After about 5 minutes, he started to shut his eyes and she left and went back to bed. I had started to drift off to sleep, too.

When I woke at 6 a.m. and he was crying to be fed, I immediately got up and ran to his room. I kept apologizing to him for not getting him. He didn’t really seem to care, he just started to nurse with a vengeance. Guilt started to set in. What was wrong with me? I had just laid in bed and watched my precious baby boy cry for more than an hour and the person who consoled him was my mother-in-law who was probably wondering what kind of horrible mother I was. After Jake was done eating, we went downstairs to see my mother-in-law and husband. I thanked my MIL and also apologized for Jake crying and waking her. She said she didn’t mean to step on my toes, but she worried he might have  fever and didnt think he should be crying without being consoled after about 15 minutes. OH MY GOSH. I completely and utterly forgot that he might get a fever. Or that he’d be sore from the vaccines. Those issues didn’t remotely cross my mind as I watched him cry from the video monitor. How horrible of a mother was I? Did I scar my child? Was he mad at me now, thinking I had abandoned him? All this time I thought I was “being strong and letting him cry it out”. Later that day when I took a shower, I stood there as the water poured down on me and I felt like ever drop was filled with my guilt. I cried and cried.

Everyone assures me he’s fine and I now plan to at least check on him after 15 minutes of crying, but the guilt is still there. I thought I was doing the right thing. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t…but the guilt aches inside me. I have this feeling the guilt will not completely ever go away. It will waver on and off as I raise my child and work and try to be a good mom. I don’t know if moms ever get over some sort of guilt, no matter if it is choosing to work or letting the baby “cry it out”.